my battle against TIME

Do you ever wish you could just STOP TIME?!!

I am sure you all have.. we are all human but seriously I feel like I never even have time to think my own thoughts, to digest what I am learning, to form my own feelings and conclusions about things... and even if I do in the short hours in the morning or right before I fall asleep, I don't have time to write them down. I used to write in a journal everyday, I would force myself to write a WHOLE page, that way I was forced to write more than what I just did that day, I was forced to think and ponder about my feelings and experiences. Though now time does not permit me to do that, I wonder if the 30 mins. less sleep it would give me is a fine sacrifice for the possible blessings I will receive later.. Even though I know I am already not getting enough but I am growing immensly at this time and learning and experiencing so much that I feel I am cutting myself short by not writing it down so I can later go back and remember, re-live, re-learn. I am having the time of my life, I am growing up, and yet the feelings I had from last Wedensday are completely lost and distorded due to what happened Thursday. If you don't write down and remember at the moment, it's gone...

So what is more important, the memories I can remember through merely experiencing or the little things that really play into the big picture but get lost... are they that important then?

Was the walk I had last Wednesday with Emily on the High-line important enough for me to write down? Because that break from life gave me a while to think, to talk, to laugh, to wish, to hope, to remember how immense my blessings are in my life. It gave me time to think about my family, and friends, those close to me, those I want in my life forever. I came home feeling happier and less stressed, more exhilarated than I have been in a very long time. That time away from homework was completely worth it, the thoughts I had while on my walk were important and greatly needed, yet, I don't remember all the details of my thoughts, I didn't write them down and now they are gone. Lost. I only remember that it was a good night, is that good enough? 

So like all questions in life... both answers are right, but which is better, which will enhance my life and yet not pull me behind, how much ME time is necessary before it becomes selfish and just an excuse to slack off...

Sleeping or Journal Writing?
Homework or Yoga?
Salad or Ice Cream?

I am so grateful for the old journal entries that I do have... I have been able to re-live some of my favorite memories. Times with my family, times with my best friend Taylor, times with my other dear friends. I have been able to re-live mistakes, arguments, hard times and learn from them, realize what I did wrong, how I contributed to the mess and I have been able to promise myself that I have changed, that I wouldn't do it again.

So I guess since talking, or in this case, writing the situation out always helps define a clear answer I have decided what I need to do...

I will only live though this time in my life once, I will only go to this particular lecture, this particular place, activity, etc once in my life. Feelings are unique, special, personal, and helpful and I am making a goal to make time...sorry..making time is absolutely impossible unless I am Hermione or Hiro so I guess the better term would be to simply just do it and deal with the time later. I will write in my journal, a whole page, every day. EVEN and especially if nothing exciting happened that day. If that means I get less sleep, or have to repeat an event again for at least the 5th  time (the previous times being to my Mom, Taylor, Talyn, my blog, and usually some other lucky individuals) then that is okay. If I discover it is worthless and that it doesn't matter then I'll stop but for now it is my goal. Because way too often I think, "dang, I should have written my feelings down" and honestly in retrospect you can NEVER remember EXACTLY how you felt.

So time... I am here to battle you and WIN. I am busy, way too busy, honestly when I am out of school I don't know how I will function with all my free time, Sundays, if you weren't filled with dance practice I don't even know what I would do for myself for a whole day. I am used to busy, I like busy, but I have lost myself this semester. I have lost all ME time, and it is ONLY going to get worse with all my events coming up in the next 2-3 months

Valentino Dress
Drawing/Design portfolio
FIT Dance Team concert
All the other 7 of my classes final projects
Graduation
Study Abroad
Planning of my FUTURE (living arrangements, internships, jobs, school etc.)

But that is my life, that is what I will want to remember, that is what I will want to have written down. My thought process, my melt downs, my highs, my lows, my everything... It is what makes me, ME. and THAT is important.

So today is DAY #1 of my many attempts to continue my journal writing while here in NYC. But this attempt is OFFICIAL. I can't back down. I have already lost SO SO MUCH! Even if I never read my entries again, like I said and like you can see through this post, sometimes just writing/talking things out is the best thing...

and it is usually just what you need most.