I'm so tired. I get home from school at 5 or 7 and just want to fall asleep, but naturally that doesn't happen and somehow I end up not getting to bed until past midnight.... I am officially done with my homework for the week! Up until what is due tomorrow at least...good thing, since it IS Thursday night. I have some things I want to blog about but I am far too tired to even think, my brain and eyes hurt haha. OH, and so does my poor big toe.
I have to face one of my BIGGEST fears tomorrow... the doctor. BOO! I hate them, I hate pain, I hate shots, they literally make me so stressed, I cry, I freak out, I almost passed out, and feel as though I will vomit anytime I even have to get a finger prick or flu shot. (seriously when I had to get all my shots to move to NYC I had to hold my Mom's hand and lay down because I was going to faint..... I was 19, oh and a couple months ago I had to get moles removed from my back and again... same story. It just terrifies me) I ALMOST think I would rather have any sort of natural physical pain than have a doctor inflict pain (or needles) into me, even though I know it really won't hurt that bad (because I know it doesn't, it's the idea of it that literally makes me squirm-I am squirming even know as I write it and I feel sick just thinking about it... ) and I know that it really will make the natural pain go away, but still. I really really really just need to stop talking about this because I'm starting to have a panic attack and I don't feel well.
The reason I have to see the doctor tomorrow is because my toes hate me! My feet and toes/toenails are prone to pain apparently. Almost every time I've been injured or have had to go to the doctor it has been for something in my foot (minus my one permanent knee injury-that probably happened because I was babying my cracked growth plate in my heel while doing gymnastics 24/7 when I was 11) My toenails (ingrown toenails) have been bothering me slightly for a couple years now, but not enough to make me go to the doctor rather than just deal with it. They really bothered me when I would work my 9 hour shifts at J.Crew-no matter what shoe they always hurt but I was fine. NOW that I have Ballet everyday my toenails decided they would gradually turn into knives that jab into my flesh. Again I dealt with it because it was better than doctor pain until today.
I woke up and my toe hurt, without even having ANY pressure on it (that has never happened before.. the past week I have been able to get through all of Ballet with it only hurting a bit every once in a while throughout class and that's mostly all) I went to Ballet class and when I put my shoe on I kind of wanted to cry. I suffered through barre (about 45 minutes of constant torture) every single time I would point my foot (which in a Ballet class is about 10000000000 times) or basically just move it felt like someone hammering a nail into my toe.... thank you toe nail! I had to sit out the second half of class which made me depressed and I realized I won't be able to dance this semester unless I get this fixed. It won't go away on its own because... it's been here for years and hasn't grown out so....... I'm stuck and I'm freaking out. Not only do I HATE needles but I really don't like people touching my feet... I don't like feet.
AHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHhhh! I don't want to go.... AND I've heard scary stories about what doctors do to fix ingrown toenails (I mean think about it-if it hurts terribly on it's own, to try and force it out from where it is naturally growing and do whatever they do to fix it just seems absolutely horrifying and I don't even know how I will be able to handle it-pain is SO much harder for me to deal with when the person inflicting it can stop whereas natural pain you deal with cause you have to... )and I don't really know if I can handle it. After I talk to Mr. Doctor... I may stick with the knife pain... but seriously. 9:30 am tomorrow.............. may be the death of me. It's coming with EVERYTHING I HATE all combined together.
Maybe they will be able to knock me out if they have to do any sort of surgery. Actually they WILL HAVE TO otherwise I won't do it (but I will probably still cry during that shot). I can stand the after surgery pain, again cause it is natural, but not actual surgery/cutting/poking/pulling/needle pain. I also hope it doesn't take me out of dance for too long because I had to sit out in my Ballet class for half of my Winter 2009 semester because I broke a stupid bone in my foot and it was miserable. I really LOVE my Ballet class....
Please pray it goes well..... and that I don't pass out or anything. I'm so terrified!!!!!!
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